23/11/2025

ON SUNDAY November 23, 2025 theSunday Special III

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B Ģŏěß¾ľÿãłϰЈϰłãēżłüěãłłϰοϰ saying no doesn’t make you unkind.

When kindness turns costly: The psychology of people-pleasing

WE often admire people who are helpful, agreeable and accommodating. However, when being nice becomes an unspoken rule rather than a conscious choice, it begins to take a toll on one’s well-being. The habit of putting others first, all the time, can quietly erode emotional balance and self-worth. Psychologists describe people-pleasing as a learned behaviour rather than a personality trait. It often begins early in life, when approval is linked to love or safety. Children who grow up in strict or emotion ally unpredictable environments may learn that being agreeable helps them avoid trouble. As adults, they continue to seek acceptance by avoiding disagreement or conflict. This instinct isn’t only emotional, it’s biological. Research has shown that when people anticipate disapproval or confrontation, the brain’s stress response activates, releasing hormones that heighten anxiety. Saying no, therefore, can feel physically uncomfortable. Over time, the body associates harmony with relief and conflict with danger, reinforcing the urge to please. In a culture that prizes politeness and respect, such as Malaysia’s, the tendency can be even stronger. Social expectations

often encourage deference and discour age open disagreement. While these values promote harmony, they can also make it harder to express personal needs or boundaries. Modern workplaces and social net works can add pressure to stay pleasant and compliant. Being helpful, responsive and accommodating is often rewarded, while assertiveness can be misread as arrogance or defiance. Yet constantly meeting others’ expectations without voicing one’s own leads to fatigue, frustra tion and eventual burnout. Breaking the cycle begins with aware ness. Recognising when niceness is driven by fear rather than empathy is the first step. Small changes, such as pausing be fore agreeing, declining requests without guilt or allowing others to manage their own discomfort, help rebuild a sense of internal safety. True kindness includes self-respect. It allows for empathy without self-erasure, connection without exhaustion. When

Eventually, you stop noticing where your yes ends and your no should begin.”

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kindness is rooted in authen ticity rather than obligation, it nourishes both the giver and the receiver and that’s when being nice becomes genuinely good.

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