12/10/2025

ON SUNDAY October 12, 2025 theSunday Special V

“They don’t explode. They withdraw,” she explained. “They say ‘yes’ while their gut screams ‘no’.” These behavioural traits may not raise alarms in childhood. But in adulthood, they often manifest as anxiety, burnout, depression or difficulty with relation ships. The emotional residue lingers in marriages, workplaces and parenting decisions. “Middle children often become adults who succeed outwardly, but feel deeply unsure inwardly. That dissonance between how they look and how they feel is what makes the psychological toll so heavy,” said Alia. A 2018 study from the University of Essex suggests that middle children are more adaptable and diplomatic. But Alia urges us to look deeper. “Adaptability isn’t always resilience. Sometimes, it’s self-erasure.” Culture, consciousness and open conversations The conversation around middle children cannot be separated from culture. In many Asian households, birth order is still strongly tied to identity. The eldest carries the legacy. The youngest receives affection. The middle often exists in a space of comparison. But Alia pointed out that this pattern is not universal. “In some Korean families, for instance, all the attention may go to the son, regard OHVV RI ZKHWKHU KH¶V ¿UVW RU WKLUG 6R HYHQ an eldest daughter may grow up feeling invisible.” This reinforces Alia’s core argument: Emotional neglect is not about placement, but presence. The issue lies not in where a child is born, but in whether they are emotionally seen. Thankfully, there is a slow but growing shift in modern parenting. With smaller families and the rise of conscious par enting, many parents today are more emotionally attuned to their children. They ask questions like ‘What is my child feeling? What matters to them, not just what should matter?’

“Some of my clients only realised in adulthood that they had been emotionally QHJOHFWHG ´ $OLD UHÀHFWHG “Because they were the children no one had to worry about.” But they were. And they are. Still learn ing to locate themselves, somewhere be tween responsibility and rebellion, silence and selfhood. Trying to remember who they were before they shaped themselves to be easy, useful or invisible. Maybe that’s the quiet heartbreak of it all, how many brilliant, sensitive, intuitive children were never known deeply, simply because they made things easier for everyone else. Perhaps it is time we saw them - not as the middle, not as the myth, but as whole people. Complex, emotional, worthy. Not ZDLWLQJ WR EH ¿[HG RU ODEHOOHG EXW VLPSO\ to be met, exactly where they are.

“Like Beth March in Little Women, the quietest sibling often carries the heaviest silence.”

“Conscious parenting doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It just means you’re will ing to get curious. To see your child as a person, not just a role,” Alia reminded. She believes that all children, not just middle ones, need a space where their inner world is explored, not assumed to be understood. Where inclusion is not enough and understanding becomes the priority. So, how do we ensure that middle children or any child does not grow up emotionally unseen? Alia’s advice to parents is to move beyond the checklist of inclusion. Yes, bring them into the room. But more importantly, make space for their voice within it. “Don’t assume. Observe. Ask. Listen to understand, not to respond.” A simple example she offered was WKLV 1RW HYHU\ FKLOG GH¿QHV ³SOD\´ WKH same way. One may prefer board games, another prefers to run wildly and laugh without rules. When parents slow down enough to notice these nuances, they’re not just attending to their children; they’re meeting them where they are.

“What every child truly wants to know is: ‘Do you really see me? Do you know what matters to me?” she said. Because when a child feels emotionally understood, they do not need to rebel, perform or please to be loved. They grow into adults who are not only successful but also grounded. Not just independent, but self-aware. The middle of nowhere Middle Child Syndrome may not be recognised in the Diagnostic and Statisti cal Manual of Mental Disorders, but its HPRWLRQDO H̆ HFWV DUH UHDO $QG WKH\ DUH the loudest of the quietest kids. The ones who never caused trouble. The ones who coped. Those who laughed when things felt heavy and stayed calm, so no one else would unravel. They became the reliable ones. The mediators. They are emotion ally self-sufficient. But beneath that resilience is often a child who learned to survive by staying small. A child who internalised that need ing less made them easier to love.

In many Asian families, the eldest is the pride, the youngest is protected and the middle is expected to cope.”

Alia

Success outside, uncertainty within – the middle child’s paradox.