29/10/2026

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COMMENT by Dr Hanaa Naji Saleh Samaha

Thin line between caring and control “I F you really love me, you will do that.” This statement may sound like an expression of love, loyalty or commitment. such as “I can live no more.” Fear-based messaging can also be seen in political communication. Following the Sept 11 attacks, former US president, George W. Bush, declared: “Either you are with us or you are with the terrorists.”

However, beneath these seemingly loving words may lie emotional manipulation. Such manipulation can pressure you into acting against your own wishes, needs and personal choices, putting you in a position where you say “Yes” when you really want to say “No”. The word blackmail is often associated with threats involving money, the exposure of secrets or the release of damaging information. However, not all forms of blackmail involve financial gain. A less visible form is emotional blackmail, in which words, phrases and relationships become tools to control decisions or influence behaviour within families, friendships, workplaces and the wider community. The term “emotional blackmail” was popularised in the 1990s by psychotherapist Susan Forward, who identified three key factors that can make people vulnerable to emotional blackmail: fear, obligation and guilt. Carefully chosen words can trigger fear, obligation or guilt, making you feel as though you have no choice but to comply. What makes emotional blackmail particularly concerning is that it often goes unnoticed. Unlike direct forms of coercion, it can be disguised as love, care, loyalty or concern, leading you to sacrifice your own preferences, comfort and well-being to please others. Fear Fear is one of the strongest tools used in emotional blackmail. It involves anxiety about the negative consequences of refusing to comply with another person’s demands. This fear can take different forms, including the fear of losing a relationship (“I will leave you” or “I will never forgive you”), fear of conflict or anger (“I will get angry if you do not listen to me”) and fear of rejection or abandonment (“I think we need a break from each other”). It can even involve threats of self-harm,

The statement presented a stark choice that left little room for neutrality, creating social pressure to demonstrate support for the US-led war in Afghanistan. Obligation Obligation refers to a perceived sense of duty or indebtedness towards someone, even when no genuine obligation exists. In emotional blackmail, this can surface in everyday thoughts such as, “I must always support them because they are my family”, “They helped me before, so I owe them”, “I should put their needs above my own” or “A good daughter or partner would never refuse”. By creating emotional distress, the blackmailer undermines your ability to make independent decisions, leaving you feeling compelled to prioritise others’ needs and preferences over your own. Similarly, political leaders may use obligation-based language to encourage loyalty and collective action. For example, US President Donald Trump has used expressions such as, “We can’t let them take our country”, framing political action as a shared duty and appealing to a sense of collective responsibility to protect the nation against perceived threats. Guilt Guilt in emotional blackmail is not about having committed a genuine wrong but rather about feeling guilty because of another person’s emotional pressure. Unlike legal guilt, this form of manipulation often involves statements such as, “After everything I’ve done for you”, “You should know better” or “Family always comes first”. Such expressions are designed to make you feel responsible for another person’s disappointment, unhappiness or suffering.

“Understanding emotional blackmail is

important because it can go

unrecognised in everyday life. It often hides behind socially valued emotions such as love, loyalty, sacrifice and responsibility, qualities we have long been

Words, phrases and relationships can become tools to control decisions or influence behaviour within families, friendships, workplaces and the wider community. – AI-IMAGE GENERATED BY SYED AZAHAR SYED OSMAN/THESUN

rationally, meanwhile, allows us to distinguish genuine responsibilities from obligations imposed through emotional manipulation. Learn to communicate your boundaries firmly and respectfully, making it clear which behaviours are acceptable and which are not. Ultimately, relationships should be built on respect, honesty and freedom of choice, rather than emotional coercion. Knowing when and how to say “No” is essential, especially when your freedom to make your own decisions is being subtly undermined. Dr Hanaa Naji Saleh Samaha is a lecturer at the Department of English Language, Faculty of Languages and Linguistics, Universiti Malaya. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

An example can be found in Princess Diana’s famous 1995 BBC interview, when she stated, “There were three of us in this marriage.” Her words conveyed deep emotional pain and were widely interpreted as an expression of marital distress that evoked public sympathy. Understanding emotional blackmail is important because it can go unrecognised in everyday life. It often hides behind socially valued emotions, qualities we have long been encouraged to practise. Recognising these language patterns can help us distinguish healthy relationships from toxic ones. Two strategies can help: awareness and rational responses. Awareness strengthens emotional literacy and helps us establish healthier interpersonal boundaries. Responding

encouraged to practise.