05/04/2026

ON SUNDAY April 5, 2026 theSunday Special IV

A CROSS mosques, WhatsApp groups and late-night conver sations with friends, a quiet anxiety lingers. People want to get married sincerely. But wanting marriage and feeling ready for it are no longer the same thing. S RPHZKHUH EHWZHHQ ¿QDQFLDO SUHVVXUH emotional fatigue and the noise of modern OLIH WKH SDWK WRZDUGV ¿QGLQJ ³WKH RQH´ KDV become tangled. S WDWLVWLFV UHÀHFW WKLV XQHDVH ,Q 0DOD\ - VLD WKH PHGLDQ DJH DW ¿UVW PDUULDJH KDV steadily increased over the last two de cades, while divorce rates among couples PDUULHG OHVV WKDQ ¿YH \HDUV FRQWLQXH WR rise. S LPLODU WUHQGV DSSHDU DFURVV 0XVOLP communities globally, from the UK to North America. The crisis is not simply about delay, but about disorientation, a generation unsure how to reconcile religious ideals with lived realities. F RU 0XKDPPDG $LPDQ $]ODQ D licensed counsellor and taaruf coach known for best-selling titles such as Sekufu, Single on Purpose and Soal Jodoh & Taaruf , the struggle is deeply familiar. At the centre of many conversations about marriage is money. Financial stabil ity has become a prerequisite so vague and intimidating that it paralyses rather than SUHSDUHV

The Muslim marriage crisis 6JG ITQYKPI FKHƓEWNV[ QH DWKNFKPI UWEEGUUHWN OCTTKCIGU KU DGEQOKPI C EQPEGTP YKVJKP VJG /WUNKO EQOOWPKV[ 9JCV YGPV YTQPI! BY AQILAH NAJWA JAMALUDDIN

are trying to build – not what you want WR HVFDSH 0DUU\LQJ MXVW EHFDXVH \RX feel lonely or because everyone else is JHWWLQJ PDUULHG LV LQVẊ FLHQW $LP IRU something higher than yourself. This SKDVH UHTXLUHV UHÀHFWLRQ QRW XUJHQF\ 2. Work on marriage readiness, not marriage fantasy Readiness is not about perfection. It is about responsibility. Emotional regula WLRQ ¿QDQFLDO OLWHUDF\ FRPPXQLFDWLRQ skills and self-awareness matter far more than curated ideals. Create an action plan. 3. Build real social circles, not imaginary pools Finding a spouse rarely happens in isolation. Strong, values-aligned social networks increase the probability of meeting someone compatible. Good people tend to be in good places. 4. Treat taaruf as a process, not a vibe check Taaruf should be intentional, struc tured and within Islamic boundaries. It is not about instant chemistry, but long-term alignment. People often focus on feelings, but they don’t ask HQRXJK DERXW YDOXHV FRQÀLFW SULRULWLHV and direction. 5. Learn to negotiate, not just agree Engagement is not a formality. It is a space for clarity - between two indi viduals and two families. Negotiation LV QRW D FRQÀLFW ,W¶V KRZ \RX SURWHFW the marriage before it begins. What to stop doing 1. 6WRS OHWWLQJ VRFLDO PHGLD GH¿QH marriage for you Endless exposure to negative marriage narratives or overly idealised couples distorts reality. If you keep consuming content about how bad marriage is, the algorithm will feed you more of it. 2. Stop learning about marriage only from the internet Online content may spark curiosity, but it cannot replace grounded learning. Go back to the Quran and the Sunnah . 3. Stop mistaking avoidance for maturity Silence does not equal peace. Avoid ing hard conversations only delays problems. Phrases like ‘takpe lah’, ‘biar lah’, don’t build strong marriages; they build resentment. 4. Stop scrolling - start observing real marriages Healthy marriages still exist, even if WKH\ GRQ¶W WUHQG RQOLQH *HW R̈ LQH Find people with good akhlak, good religious understanding and good relationships. Sit with them. Learn from them. 5. Stop believing there’s no one left This mindset closes doors before you even knock. That belief is not reality - it’s perception. And perception can change when you change your position.

0XVOLP FRXSOHV DUH RIWHQ OLQNHG WR D comparison culture shaped by what they consume online. Curated portrayals of marriage can quietly reset expectations, leading some couples to measure their real relationships against idealised versions they encounter on social media. ³0DUULDJH GRHVQ¶W EUHDN EHFDXVH WKHUH are conflicts. It breaks because people GRQ¶W NQRZ KRZ WR GHDO ZLWK WKHP ´ In his counselling sessions, many couples struggle not with love, but with direction. They entered marriage driven by emotion, without a shared vision. ³ When challenges come, they start ask LQJ µ:KDW¶V WKH SRLQW"¶´ 0XKDPPDG VDLG Without a clear sense of purpose beyond companionship or happiness, struggle feels unbearable. Add poor nego tiation skills and emotional reactivity and small issues compound over time. Cultural expectations further compli FDWH WKH SLFWXUH ,Q 0DOD\VLD SUDFWLFHV like hantaran and large kenduri , while rooted in tradition and community, have increasingly become barriers rather than blessings. ³ In Islam, hantaran is a gift. A gift should be sincere and based on ability. But when it becomes something demanded, it VWRSV EHLQJ D JLIW ´ The rise of intimate weddings and VFDOHG EDFN FHUHPRQLHV UHÀHFWV WKLV WHQ sion. Choosing simplicity is not about rejecting culture, but about prioritising sustainability. Yet it often comes at the cost of social discomfort, disappointing relatives, navigating expectations and UHGH¿QLQJ ZKDW FHOHEUDWLRQ ORRNV OLNH Drawing from his counselling and taaruf FRDFKLQJ H[SHULHQFH 0XKDPPDG suggests thinking in phases, not steps. What to start doing 1. Begin with intention, not loneli ness Before looking outward, look inward. Ask yourself what kind of marriage you

Psychologists describe this as avail ability bias, in which repeated exposure to negative examples makes them seem more common than they actually are. )RU SUDFWLVLQJ 0XVOLPV WKLV LV HVSHFLDOO\ GHVWDELOLVLQJ 0DUULDJH LV PHDQW WR EH a form of worship, a space for love and mercy. Yet fear quietly replaces hope. Growing old but not growing up? Beyond money and trauma lies a more subtle issue: Prolonged adolescence. 0DQ\ \RXQJ DGXOWV WRGD\ UHDFK WKHLU ODWH twenties or thirties and still rely heavily on parents for decision-making, emotional regulation and direction. ³ There’s a failure to launch. People grow older, but they’re not necessarily prepared to take responsibility for their RZQ OLYHV ´ KH VKDUHG 0 arriage, by its nature, demands accountability, the ability to make deci sions, to manage conflict and to hold steady during uncertainty. When these skills are underdeveloped, marriage feels overwhelming rather than inviting. H LVWRULFDOO\ 0XVOLP VRFLHWLHV GLG QRW expect individuals to navigate this transi tion alone. Elders, mentors and extended family played an active role in preparing young adults for marriage. Today, that VXSSRUW KDV WKLQQHG 0DQ\ 0XVOLPV DUH OHIW WR ¿JXUH WKLQJV RXW WKURXJK SRGFDVWV TikTok clips or trial and error. Alongside delayed maturity, another quiet force of the modern age is the il OXVLRQV FUHDWHG E\ VRFLDO PHGLD 0XVOLP FRXSOH LQÀXHQFHUV ZLWK WKHLU FXUDWHG LQ timacy and aesthetic piety, have reshaped expectations, often without meaning to. ³ Social media absolutely shapes how people see marriage. Short clips are re SODFLQJ GHHS OHDUQLQJ ´ KH REVHUYHG The problem is not inspiration, but GLVWRUWLRQ 0DUULDJH EHFRPHV D KLJKOLJKW reel rather than a covenant. When real life fails to resemble what is seen online, disillusionment sets in. Rising divorce rates among young

Muhammad … “People put high standards on everything except the things that predict whether they can actually live together.”