09/12/2025

TUESDAY | DEC 9, 2025

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Malaysian saga of parenting S AYANG sayang sekelian , buckle up – we are about to explore the sacred, untouchable, everybody thinks-they’re-right world of Malaysian parenting. Gentle parenting: The new kid on the block (with flashcards)

Gentle parenting is the modern Malaysian parent kneeling eye-level and saying: “I see you’re upset. Shall we talk about your feelings?” Meanwhile, the kid is screaming like a banshee because you cut their sandwich horizontally, not diagonally. Gentle parenting emphasises: 0 emotional literacy; 0 calm communication; 0 teaching instead of punishing; 0 repairing instead of scolding; and 0 boundaries delivered with empathy, not terror. It’s beautiful. It’s progressive. It’s hopeful. But also – let’s be honest – sometimes it feels like a TED talk held during a WWE match. Where harsh parenting fails and where it works Harsh parenting can produce discipline, a solid respect for structure and children who develop impressively high resilience. But it can also lead to low emotional expression, fear-based behaviour and adults who feel so anxious about “doing something

Harsh parenting is built on rotan , raised eyebrows and the belief that character grows best under fear of slippers. – AMIRUL SYAFIQ /THESUN

On one end: Harsh parenting, built on rotan , raised eyebrows and the belief that character grows best under fear of slippers. On the other: Gentle parenting, built on calm breathing, validating emotions and the belief that no child becomes a CEO by being yelled at daily. And somewhere in the middle is every Malaysian parent praying they don’t scar their child forever but also don’t end up with a mini tyrant who screams because the ikan bilis on their nasi lemak is “looking at them”. The harsh parenting legacy: Traumatic but make it efficient Ah, the classics. Many Malaysians grew up with: “Stop crying or I give you reason to cry.” Eyebrow signals that could stop the traffic on Jalan Tun Razak. Rotan hanging on the wall like a national flag. The slipper that flew with GPS accuracy. Harsh parenting was fast, You break a plate? “This is why I cannot have nice things!” You get 98% on a test? “Where did the other two marks go? Swimming?” It produced adults who were resilient or anxious or both, depending on the day and the lighting. But let’s be fair – harsh parenting came from a place of survival. Our parents didn’t have Google, therapy-language or kale smoothies. They had three jobs, four children and blood pressure permanently at 180/100. They weren’t trying to scare us; they were trying to keep us alive. M A R I N A T B Y A Z decisive and sometimes unintentionally comedic.

cannot kick your sister.” 0 “You’re I understand. But school still starts at 7:30, darling.” 0 “You can cry but you cannot scream at Tok Wan, he lived through three recessions.” 0 I love you. I’m here. Also, please put down the broom.” Boundaries aren’t the opposite of kindness; they are proof of it. Healing ourselves while raising them Many Malaysians today are parenting with two spirits inside them: the gentle parent they want to be and the harsh parent they accidentally turn into when the child says “no” for the 27th time. You are not failing; you’re human – you’re trying to undo cycles you inherited, with tools you are still learning to use. Gentle parenting doesn’t deny that harshness existed – it simply says, “It stops here”. But harsh parenting isn’t always the villain either. Sometimes it’s the quick boundary, sometimes it’s the firm disappointed,

trusting parent-child relationships, and confidence that is rooted in real understanding. But it also invites endless negotiations, tantrums with the stamina of a petrol-subsidy engine and children who treat bedtime like it requires full United Nations mediation. Sometimes gentle parenting parents forget that: 0 setting boundaries is not violence; 0 telling your child “No” is not trauma; and 0 feelings are valid but throwing your chicken nugget across the room is not. Malaysia needs a middle path: Gentle hearts, firm boundaries The magic, sayang , isn’t choosing one extreme; it’s knowing when to be soft, when to be firm and when to pretend you need to use the toilet just to breathe and reset your soul. Harsh parenting gives structure. Gentle parenting gives safety. Balanced parenting gives both. And it looks like this: 0 “I hear you’re angry. But you still

not become normalised. Real moral transformation begins with simple, consistent actions, which is the way forward: 0 We should treat every person, regardless of status, as a human being and with dignity. 0 Encourage institutions to prioritise ethical training and humane approaches to public interactions. 0 Build community-based support systems for the homeless and vulnerable. 0 Teach empathy not merely as theory but also as a value. Malaysians must recognise that unity, not division, is the foundation of a just society. The Cheras incident is a real-time lesson that morality is not tested in ceremonies, sermons or slogans but in moments when the vulnerable cross our paths. If we learn nothing, the incident will become a tragedy. But if we choose to grow, it will become a turning point. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com tone that keeps everyone alive and sometimes it’s the “no means no” that prevents future chaos. What matters is intention, not volume. The Malaysian parenting recipe If Malaysia had an official recipe for parenting, it would be: 0 1 cup empathy 0 1 cup boundaries 0 2 tablespoons humour 0 A dash of seasoned eyebrow 0 Rotan – optional, depending on Tok Wan And a whole lot of love, even when the child is testing your spirit, patience and your blood pressure. Balanced parenting is not harsh, soft or perfect; it is just conscious. And if your child grows up into a compassionate, confident and emotionally healthy Malaysian, then congratulations, my darling. You’ve done the work. Softly, firmly and lovingly. AzuraAbas is the associate editor of theSun. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

wrong” that they even apologise to a chair after bumping into it. Harsh parenting works in emergencies: 0 Your child is about to stick a fork in the socket? 0 No time for gentle monologue – you shout, you grab, you save the day. The problem is when every K C I K

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situation becomes a “fork in the socket” moment. Constant fear doesn’t grow good humans; it grows good perfectionists with lifelong stress eczema. Where gentle parenting shines and where it cracks like kuih kapit Gentle parenting produces emotionally aware children, safe and

COMMENT by K.T. Maran

Cheras incident a wake-up call to reset our moral compass THE disturbing incident outside a bank in Cheras – where a homeless man was sprayed with water and kicked in an attempt to force him away – has struck a raw nerve across Malaysia. rather than fellow human beings. Yet, amid the cruelty, there was a countercurrent of hope. The intervention of community member Uncle Tony Lian, who offered the victim shelter and sanctuary, becomes irrelevant. What matters is the condition of our shared humanity and how we choose to respond to it. The moral analysis and what went wrong? There are several unsettling elements that emerged from this incident: recording injustice is sufficient but moral progress requires more than observation; it requires engagement. 0 This is an institutional

responsibility – the bank acted promptly by issuing an apology. Yet, institutions must go beyond public relations responses. They must foster cultures grounded in dignity, compassion and ethical responsibility. There must be inspired reflection from reaction to transformation. Every crisis holds the seed of progress. What happened in Cheras, painful as it is, offers Malaysia a moment of collective moral introspection: Let deeds, not words, be your adorning. The moral path requires transforming indignation into action – cultivating empathy, strengthening community bonds and recognising the inherent nobility of every soul, including the homeless, the forgotten and the voiceless. This incident should spark not only outrage but renewed commitment. If one man could be mistreated so casually, then every Malaysian has a duty to ensure such behaviour does

The footage, widely circulated on social media, has become more than a viral moment; it has become a mirror held up to our nation’s conscience. The public’s shock is understandable. We like to think of ourselves as compassionate, religious and morally grounded. Yet, this single episode compels us to ask uncomfortable questions: Have we become desensitised to the sufferings of the vulnerable? Has compassion become conditional? Are we truly living our values or merely professing them? What unfolded in Cheras is not simply the misdeed of two individuals; it is a symptom of a deeper moral erosion taking shape silently in modern societies everywhere, where convenience trumps conscience and the vulnerable are seen as inconveniences

demonstrated the timeless truth that one act of empathy can restore balance where injustice seems overwhelming. Some discussions online attempted to dissect the incident through a racial frame because the individuals involved belonged to different ethnic groups. This response, while unsurprising given Malaysia’s longstanding sensitivities, distracts from the deeper lesson. It should be looked at in a societal mirror not with a racial lens. The real value of this episode lies in recognising that four human beings were involved: one victim, two aggressors and one individual who embodied moral courage. This reminds us that “the earth is but one country and mankind its citizens”. When we view events through this lens of unity, race

0 The aggressors’ actions show a troubling detachment from compassion. When a sleeping, helpless man becomes an object of annoyance rather than a soul deserving dignity, society has drifted from its moral anchor or erosion of empathy. 0 Malaysians often describe themselves as religious but the measure of religion is not ritual; it is conduct. It emphasises that “godly deeds” are the true expressions of faith. The Cheras incident invites reflection on whether our moral principles influence our actions or merely decorate our speech; a performative morality. 0 There was a bystander culture, anyone who witnessed the event was filming, not intervening. Technology has given us the illusion that