17/10/2025

FRIDAY | OCT 17, 2025

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COMMENT by Hanaa Samaha

Of unseen wounds and toxic words J UST as words can heal, they can also wound. Have you ever replayed someone’s remarks for days – questioning your feelings, “That never happened”, “The media made it up” or “You’re just panicking” – leaving citizens confused and powerless. fatigue, burnout and

emotional exhaustion. The joy of contributing gets replaced by dread, anxiety or numbness. This erosion of trust, both in oneself and in the organisation, can be devastating. When employees feel they are constantly being undermined, not recognised or unfairly compared to others, a sense of betrayal sets in. Morale drops. Engagement plummets. And in many cases, the only way out for them is to emotionally detach or physically leave. In essence, gaslighting doesn’t just hurt individuals; it slowly poisons the culture of the entire workplace. It stifles collaboration, blocks honest communication and drives away talent. And the saddest part? Often, it goes unnoticed by those in power until it is too late – until innovation slows, teams fall apart or reputations begin to suffer. Coping strategies First, it is important to name the behaviour for what it is: gaslighting. Simply recognising it as a tactic meant to create doubt can already help you preserve your confidence and keep your sense of self intact. Labelling it empowers you to separate your worth from the manipulative words used against you. When confronted, don’t escalate. Instead, respond with calm confidence. A composed smile or quiet remark that says “I see what’s happening here” can be more disarming than heated rebuttals. It signals that you are aware, in control and unwilling to be dragged into confusion. Avoid getting trapped in endless

arguments. Gaslighters often rely on circular reasoning to wear you down. Stand firm in your understanding without over-explaining yourself. Trust your version of events, and know that you don’t need to justify every decision or feeling if it comes from a place of honesty. If the emotional toll starts to affect your well-being, reach out. Talk to a trusted colleague, a supportive supervisor or seek professional help. You don’t have to navigate this experience alone. And sometimes just speaking to someone who validates your perspective can make a world of difference. And finally, if the workplace continues to be toxic despite your efforts, it may be time to walk away. Choosing to leave a harmful environment is not a sign of weakness; it is a step towards healing and growth. There are better, healthier places out there where your ideas will be welcomed and your presence valued. Power of words Words can build or they can destroy. People are like plants – nourished by kindness, they bloom; fed with toxic language, they wither. That is why we must be mindful of how we speak and listen. A careless remark can inflict lasting damage but a single encouraging word, spoken with care, can spark confidence, healing and even transformation. Dr Hanaa Samaha is a lecturer at the Department of English Language, Faculty of Languages and Linguistics, Universiti Malaya. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

“Words can build or they can destroy. People are like plants – nourished by kindness, they bloom; fed with toxic language, they wither. That is why we must be mindful of how we speak and listen.

Gaslighting at work In the workplace, gaslighting is often used by managers or colleagues as a means of control. It can sound like: “You were a top student? You don’t even know this?” or “You newcomers can’t compare to the last batch.” Subtle put-downs like “you’re too sensitive – you take everything personally” undermine confidence while comparisons become weapons: “Others handled this just fine. Maybe you’re just not committed enough.” Over time, repeated gaslighting can eat away at a person’s sense of self. What starts as a one-off remark – an offhand comment or minor misunderstanding – can gradually build, week after week, until it reshapes how an employee sees themselves and their role. They start second-guessing not just their work but also their ability to think clearly, make decisions or lead effectively. The most immediate casualty is self confidence. Employees who once took initiative begin to hesitate. They stop voicing ideas at meetings, fearing they will be dismissed or contradicted. They withhold feedback, avoid taking risks and stick only to tasks that feel “safe”. Slowly, the sense of ownership, creativity and pride in their work begins to fade. The effects are not just psychological; they are also physical and emotional. Mental energy that should go into solving problems or innovating is instead spent overthinking conversations, replaying criticisms or trying to decode someone’s tone. Over time, this leads to

judgement or even sanity? This could be a sign of “gaslighting” – a manipulative tactic designed to make you doubt your memory, ability or perception. Gaslighting is not the same as bullying. While bullying is overt and aggressive, gaslighting is subtle and insidious. It distorts reality and creates confusion, often leaving you unsure about what actually happened or whether you did something wrong. That is why many people don’t realise they are being gaslit – whether by a friend, partner, manager or colleague. Where the term came from The modern term “gaslighting” originated from Patrick Hamilton’s 1939 play Gas Light (later titled Angel Street in the US). In it, a man named Jack manipulates his wife, Bella, into believing she’s losing her mind. He dismisses her concerns, denies facts and twists her reality with phrases like: “You must have dreamt it” and “You are imagining things.” His words become weapons, gaining complete psychological control. Psychologists later adopted the term to describe systematic psychological abuse where one person makes another doubt their perceptions, memory or judgement. Today, gaslighting extends beyond personal relationships into workplaces, the media and even politics. Leaders often use classic gaslighting phrases –

Under One Roof

Trusting your teen’s maturity in taking a university break Q : Do you think it is a good idea for our son to wait a year after completing secondary school before enrolling at a university? He is quite responsible and has specific plans for his studies and future but he wants some time off. We are concerned about him losing momentum. How should we approach this? successful people in the world have taken non traditional paths. With your continued love, support and guidance, he will be well-equipped to make the most of his future.

Q: I recently got married and my husband and I are already feeling a little overwhelmed. In just a few short weeks, life together isn’t quite measuring up to what we anticipated. Is this normal? We want to make this relationship work. Focus on the Family Malaysia : Being newly married can feel overwhelming. No matter how strong your relationship with your spouse is, the lofty expectations you had before marriage rarely match the reality once the honeymoon fades. Take Jean and her husband, for example. They had a rough time early in their marriage. Her husband came from a broken home with no male role models, and Jean was dealing with depression. If not for counselling, support and help from friends, their relationship may have withered on the vine. That is why young couples need to have “marriage mentors” in their lives. These can be older couples with years of experience and have weathered ups and downs throughout their marriage. They can offer wise counsel to young couples who may be feeling uncertain. Some newlyweds come from stable families and may turn to their parents for guidance. However, mums and dads don’t always have the objectivity to offer unbiased advice. According to Drs Les and Leslie Parrott, a

Focus on the Family Malaysia : It sounds like you have done a wonderful job in raising your son. From what you’ve shared, he seems like a responsible, intelligent and goal oriented young man. Given his maturity and clear sense of direction, there is no reason to be concerned about his desire to take a year off before university. In fact, there are a number of constructive ways he can use the time off. He can work to contribute towards his tuition fee, travel to broaden his perspective, volunteer for community service or take time to reflect and ponder his goals, and determine what he wants to study in university. These experiences can be formative and often lead to greater motivation when students return to their studies with renewed focus. As for the fear of “losing momentum”, chances are he will have the motivation and drive to study after a year-long break, especially when he realises the value of a degree in reaching his goals. So, looking at your son’s track record up to this point, you need not be too concerned about his plans to take a year off. Many

Taking time off from studies can boost motivation and deepen appreciation for the value of a degree in achieving long-term goals.

marriage mentor cannot be parents or close friends. They are not available for every crisis and don’t have perfect marriages themselves. They are only trusted “acquaintances” who can model a healthy relationship and offer insights when needed. As a newly married couple, consider seeking out a couple a few steps ahead of you in life. And to the “old pros” reading this – think about sharing your joys and challenges of a lifelong commitment with younger couples. You just

may learn something in the process.

This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com