03/10/2025

FRIDAY | OCT 3, 2025

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COMMENT by Dr Mohd Zaidi Md Zabri

Raised by silence and steel D URING an impromptu coffee break, I found myself talking to my mentor about how headstrong I could be. She communist insurgency in the late 1980s. His platoon survived but one of his buddies took a bullet straight through the thigh. They were trained and deployed in hostile terrain, pushed to their limits in ways no textbook could ever explain.

and read moods quickly. We became skilled at navigating tension and creating our own fun. It was not always easy but it forged character. Yet, it also left its traces. Many children of ex-servicemen grow up with complicated relationships with the authorities. Some overcompensate by becoming highly disciplined while others swing the opposite way, resisting structure wherever they find it. Therefore, to my mentor and to anyone who wonders why we were “naughty”, the answer is this: we were testing the edges of the discipline that defined our homes. We were finding our voices in the echo of commands that once barked across parade grounds. And we were, in our own ways, paying tribute to parents who had faced the unimaginable and returned with strength and scars. This is why empathy matters. Behind every strict household is a soldier who once stood guard against unimaginable dangers, and behind every rebellious child is a story of adaptation to a parent’s silent sacrifices. When I finished, my mentor paused for a moment before nodding. “Hmmm,” she murmured, softly. “Your explanation does make sense.” Dr Mohd Zaidi Md Zabri is the interim director at the Centre of Excellence for Research and Innovation for Islamic Economics, ISRA Institute, INCEIF University. He has no other childhood memory than growing up in army camps across Peninsular Malaysia and later attended a boarding school within one. Those experiences continue to shape his reflections today. Comments:letters@thesundaily.com

but for our fathers, the blood was real. What astonished me was that when my father finally revealed he had bled from years of service, he spoke of it nonchalantly, as though such a sacrifice was nothing more than routine. Growing up, my siblings and I knew our father struggled to hear. We practically had to shout at him whenever we wanted to talk but we never really knew why. We resigned ourselves to the fact that he was deaf in one ear – without question and without understanding the sacrifice behind it. Military life is not built on ideals of comfort; it is built on endurance. Servicemen are trained to march, rain or shine, and to react without hesitation when danger strikes so that others may sleep in peace. As such, they do not get to complain or indulge in weakness. When they return home, some of that hardness lingers. For a child, that hardness can feel like distance – it can feel like disapproval or even rejection. Looking back now, I see it differently. Our fathers carried the weight of experiences they could not always share, bound by the Ikrar Kesatria (the Warrior’s Pledge), which includes the vow to “ menyimpan rahsia negara dengan seketat-ketatnya ” (to keep the nation’s secrets with the utmost stringency). With that silence came scars – some visible, and most, I suspect, invisible. Those scars did not remain only with them; in many ways, they shaped the atmosphere in our homes and the way we grew up. I now realise that the “rebelliousness” of servicemen’s children was also a form of resilience. Growing up in such households meant learning to adapt, test boundaries

then shared her experience of having a relative in the armed forces, before putting a question to me: “Why are the children of ex-servicemen always so rebellious?” I was not sure whether she was being serious or whether the question was rhetorical, perhaps even meant to tease me. Nonetheless, I offered what sounded like an explanation or perhaps just a rationalisation. I told her that we were not bad children. We were just pushing back against the kind of discipline that hung over our homes like a shadow. As I reflect on it now, I realise that what we called “rebellion” was our way of asserting ourselves in families shaped by military service. Our fathers had been trained to obey orders, endure pain, and above all, survive. That kind of upbringing left its mark on us (pun intended), whether we wanted it or not. When we were young, the rules seemed endless. Bedtimes were strict, manners were enforced and any slip was met with sharp correction. We rebelled not because we were wild by nature but because we were searching for space to breathe. But with age comes perspective. I began to understand that the distance we sometimes felt from our fathers was not a matter of coldness or lack of affection; it was the product of experience. Service personnel – in the armed forces and police – had faced things most civilians could not even begin to fathom. They had been shot at, including my father, who served during the

“I now realise that the ‘rebelliousness’ of servicemen’s children was

For me, this understanding became real when I learned more about my father’s service. He served in the Royal Signal Regiment but he was also an excellent marksman – so skilled that he spent much of the later years of his career at the shooting range. The many medals displayed in our home were a quiet testament to that. He was even close to representing the country but instead chose to retire peacefully in his hometown. We had no idea what those medals truly meant because he was not much of a talker but behind those shiny medals, was a price paid in silence. In those days, soldiers were not provided with proper ear protection – no earmuffs or safeguards against the constant thunder of gunfire. My father’s ears began to bleed and eventually he lost hearing in one ear. The worst part is, I just learned about this more than a quarter century after his retirement, simply because I began writing about his service in the newspaper about a year ago and wanted to make sure I got the full story. All my life, I had thought of him as strict, sometimes distant, always commanding but suddenly I saw another layer – I now see a man who had silently carried an injury born of duty. What is remarkable is that he never once complained, spoke of the pain or used it as an excuse. We often speak of sacrifice in metaphors – of blood, sweat and tears –

also a form of resilience. Growing up in such households meant learning to adapt, test boundaries and read moods quickly.

Under One Roof

Helping your child overcome bedtime fears Q: How can we help our four-year-old overcome her fear of sleeping in the dark? We have tried almost everything – establishing a bedtime routine, using a night light, reading books and singing songs – but nothing seems to work. animals or dolls “on guard”, including one special “bedtime buddy”. Every child is different, so what works for one may not work for another. Keep experimenting with creative solutions. The goal is to help soothe your child’s imagination, which can easily be overwhelmed by fear.

Some children love having several stuffed animals or dolls ‘on guard’, including one special ‘bedtime buddy’. – REUTERSPIC

Focus on the Family Malaysia: Being afraid of the dark is quite common among young children. At this age, their imaginations are growing rapidly and they can struggle to separate fantasy from reality. Your daughter is likely going through a normal developmental phase, and with patience and reassurance, she will likely outgrow it in time. First, ask yourself if there have been any recent changes at home or in kindergarten that may have precipitated the fear. Gently ask your daughter what she sees and what looks, sounds or feels scary to her – as well as what might help her feel safe. Help her channel her imagination into fun, creative stories that are exciting but have happy endings. If she imagines a monster, encourage her to draw it the next day and then dress it up to make it funny and friendly. Give the creature a name and invent silly, lighthearted stories about it together. If this doesn’t work after a week or two, try other methods. A night light in the room or hall can help but be sure it doesn’t cast scary shadows on the walls. Some children love having several stuffed

Q: I have a problem with how I speak to my wife and children. Too often, I fly off the handle and end up yelling at them. I want to be a better husband and father, and need to change my behaviour. Do you have any suggestions? Focus on the Family Malaysia: You have taken an important first step by realising that you have a problem with anger and how you speak to your family. This is a significant and courageous step and more than half the battle, and we commend you for it. To move forward, seek help from a professional marriage and family counsellor. Focus on the Family Malaysia offers experienced counsellors who can support you on this journey towards becoming a better husband and father. Remember, anger is often fuelled by underlying emotions like fear, hurt and shame – a deep sense of not being good enough. Counselling can help you identify these triggers and understand the patterns behind your reactions. It can also equip you with better coping skills and teach you more effective ways

the 5 Love Languages and Intentional Fathering , available in our webstore, can offer valuable insight and practical guidance. This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

to communicate with your loved ones. Counselling can also help uncover underlying emotional wounds and shed light on “reenactment behaviours” that stem from unresolved issues with your family of origin or past difficult experiences. Gaining this awareness will empower you to move away from reactionary language that can take a heavy emotional toll on those you love. In addition, we recommend reading books that address anger management, building a loving relationship with your spouse and finding joy and purpose in fatherhood. Resources like