30/05/2025

FRIDAY | MAY 30, 2025

10

Under One Roof

Helping daughters see beyond the mirror

Q: Our 14-year-old daughter has recently become obsessed with her appearance. She practically locks herself in her bedroom or bathroom until she gets her hair, makeup and clothes perfect. What can we do as her parents to help her keep her perspective? Focus on the Family Malaysia: It is no secret that today’s teenagers, especially girls, are under immense pressure when it comes to their appearance. Social media only amplifies these insecurities. As a parent, you may want to be proactive. Try helping your daughter strike a healthy balance between her desire for outer beauty and building true self-confidence. However, many parents are not sure how to handle this. One says: “You need to talk to her” and the other replies, “You’re a woman. This is your territory”. The truth is, your daughter needs to hear affirming and loving words from both of you – consistently. Fill her heart with encouragement that speaks of her values and lifts her spirit. However, just as important as what your daughter hears from you is what she sees in you. Mothers – your daughter will watch how much emphasis you place on your own outer beauty and how positively or negatively you talk about your appearance. Fathers – your daughter will notice how you treat and talk about women. If she sees you objectifying them, she may assume it is normal WE all have a room in our minds where the past lives. Some call it memory, others call it baggage. It is filled with faded moments – some precious and some painful. The successes we revisit for confidence and the failures we replay are often far too much. While that room can hold valuable lessons, it is not where we are meant to live. The trouble begins when we start hanging up curtains in that room, rearranging the furniture and calling it home. There is a line I often reflect on: Treat the past as a separate room you can visit but don’t live there because the truth is, the past has no power over us unless we give it the keys. This does not mean we should ignore history or pretend our scars do not exist; quite the opposite. Sometimes, we need to visit that room to gather something we left behind: a truth we missed, a lesson we skipped or even a version of ourselves we have forgotten. However, we go there with intention and not attachment. We visit, we retrieve and we leave. We do not unpack our bags. Take Khalid ibn al-Walid, for instance. One of the greatest military minds of the early Islamic world. But it didn’t start that way. He was once among Islam’s fiercest opponents – he fought against the Prophet Muhammad in the Battle of Uhud. Yet later, he embraced the faith and went on to become one of its most legendary commanders, earning the title Saifullah – the Sword of God. Imagine if he had stayed in that other room, chained by guilt, regret or public shame. Imagine if he had let his past dictate his future. History would have remembered him as a different man altogether.

really matter is neither helpful nor productive. When it comes to deeper or recurring conflicts, here are some steps to begin working towards resolution: 0 Face the conflict directly: You don’t learn to resolve issues by avoiding them. Growth happens when you are willing to confront challenges with honesty and care. 0 Focus on resolution, not winning: The goal is not to prove a point; it is to strengthen your relationship. Reconciliation should be the aim, not scoring a victory. 0 Address conflict early: Don’t wait for things to escalate. If something is bothering you, bring it up with respect and openness as soon as possible. 0 Communicate clearly and listen well: Take turns sharing how you feel. Use “I” statements to express your emotions without blaming. For example: “I feel hurt when you don’t follow through,” rather than “You never do what you say.” 0 State your needs specifically: Once you

for men to treat her the same way. Here is our advice: Don’t over-emphasise your daughter’s outer or inner beauty. Address her as a whole person. Help her understand that she is a unique individual – body, soul and spirit. Teach her to appreciate both what she sees in the mirror and who she is within. That is how she will develop real self-worth and grow in confidence – in how she looks and, more importantly, in who she is. Q: How can my spouse and I work through our many unresolved conflicts? We have grown so distant that it feels like we are living separate lives, and things seem to be getting worse. Is agreeing to disagree really a solution or just avoiding deeper issues? Focus on the Family Malaysia: Differences are often what initially attract partners to each other. But staying divided over things that don’t

have each expressed how you feel, work together to create a mutually agreeable plan of action. For instance, you can say: “It would help me if you took the trash out as soon as you agree to do it.” Then, create a clear plan, like setting trash days for Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, so expectations are shared and specific. 0 Invite accountability: Ask a trusted couple or a professional counsellor to help hold both of you accountable. Share the plan you have created with them. Knowing someone else is aware and supportive can increase follow through and strengthen your commitment. This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. Join dad and daughter date and make memories that will last a lifetime for you and your daughter (13-19 years). Register now at family.org.my/daddaughter. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

Do not let the past vote on your future

COMMENT by Dr Nahrizul Adib Kadri

But Khalid chose otherwise. He did not live in the past; he took what he needed – his strategic mind, his discipline and his drive – and redirected it towards something greater. His legacy was not in his mistakes but in his transformation. That is the key. The past is a reference point, not a residence. If we linger too long, it becomes a trap – one lined with stress, self-pity and procrastination. “If only I had...”, “I should have...”, “Back then, I was better...”. Sound familiar? These thoughts are heavy – they slow us down – and before long, we find ourselves stuck, not moving forward, just spinning in place. Even science, in its pursuit of truth, does not get stuck. It corrects itself. Moves on. Remember Pluto? Once declared the ninth planet of our solar system, Pluto had its planetary status revoked in 2006. People were up in arms – students rewrote their science notes, astronomers debated passionately and some of us felt genuinely betrayed. But here is the thing: science did not dwell on the emotional fallout. It adjusted, recalibrated and moved forward. In 2023, new discoveries and reclassifications reopened the conversation, with some even suggesting Pluto may deserve its planetary badge again. The takeaway? Even knowledge evolves. What we once believed may no longer hold. What seems discarded may find new relevance down the line. But the process never stops; it keeps moving. So should we. This same spirit echoes in The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Amir, the novel’s protagonist, spends years haunted by a childhood betrayal. His guilt eats away at his adult life, colouring his decisions and clouding his joy. It is only when he returns to

“Treat the past as a separate room you can visit but don’t live there because the truth is, the past has no power over us unless we give it the keys.

The point is not to cut ourselves from our histories but to know when to leave the room. The past has value but it has no vote. It may inform us but it cannot define us unless we let it. – REUTERSPIC

There is only one way to live life: going forward. Progress does not require perfection. It only asks that we keep walking. If you must look back, do so with gratitude or clarity, not attachment. Visit the past with purpose – pick up what you need and close the door behind you, then face forward. Because that is where life happens. Dr Nahrizul Adib Kadri is a professor of biomedical engineering at the Faculty of Engineering and the principal of Ibnu Sina Residential College, Universiti Malaya. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

Afghanistan – revisiting the past with the goal of righting a wrong – that he finds redemption. He did not go back to wallow; he went back to repair and that made all the difference. The point is not to cut ourselves from our histories but to know when to leave the room. The past has value but it has no vote. It may inform us but it cannot define us unless we let it. If you are still replaying an old failure, quoting an old version of yourself and measuring your progress against a time that no longer exists, pause and ask yourself: “What exactly am I holding on to?” More importantly, is it helping me move forward?